The last month or two have been challenging for me but finally, I believe I can say the darkness has lifted, by it I’ve been gifted. It’s been months of silent agony, quiet despair, suicidal thoughts and despondency. (Sorry to say) Things went awry in November and the situation quickly spiraled from bad to worse leaving me at the mercy of circumstance. Circumstance himseluf did not want anything to do with me so I was left to my own devices, to brave the storms all alone. Brave the storms, I did. But the storms broke me. The storms shattered me.
Let it suffice to say that by December I was spending my days indoors, holed up in my room. Only leaving periodically to eat or do other mundane tasks. The sad thing is that I would spend the rest of my time in bed. I would be in bed all day, ruminating and over-thinking as to how life had dealt me a bad hand.
I can’t really explain what that phase was all about, all I know is I really wanted to die. I wanted my life to be cut short in righteousness. To make it worse the doctor prescribed for me unpleasant antidepressants which I did not want to take due to the cacophony of side effects they came with. I won’t lie, that life was exhausting! I’m not sure whether to say I was depressed, but something of the sort definitely. On Saturdays I would try my best to show up in church, wearing the brightest of smiles, but deep down I knew something was amiss.
Fast forward, ten days of prayer came and friends prayed for me. I shared one testimony https://encamp.co.ke/2020/01/19/my-ten-days-of-prayer-testimony/ of how God changed my perspective and gave me hope in life and strength to face my obstacles. Right after this testimony on the Monday that followed I found myself back to my previous routine of staying in bed all day. I couldn’t seem to summon enough energy to get out of bed. So I just lay there thinking about my future. Have you ever tried to do something and failed? Have you ever failed so many times that you were afraid to start all over again? That was me in a nutshell. So I prayed.
I can’t remember the prayer I said. All I remember is in the evening, around 5pm, a thought surfaced in my mind to pick a certain book called Steps to Christ. That thought was so new in my mind. I hadn’t picked a book in like forever and even if I attempted I wouldn’t get beyond a couple of pages. That thought was so unique in the way it came. It came so calmly and directly yet almost like a command. But not an overbearing command. A gentle command that makes you eager to go ahead and do what the command entails. Instantly I knew that was not my mere thoughts, I knew that thought had a divine origin and I hearkened to obey.
So, I reached out for the book (luckily it was nearby) and I got back into bed and started reading it. One by one, I read the pages, eagerly devouring the words that my soul was hungry for. As I read, I don’t know what was happening. All I know is the day after that, on Tuesday I was not in bed all day. And the day after and the day after until today Friday when I am writing this blogpost at 5:51 am. It seems to me like the words of this book gave me life. Took me out of my mind, took me out of myself and brought me back to planet earth. All within moments of reading the book. I just finished the book today and I have been truly blessed with a new sense of purpose that I pray will last.
I don’t know what struggles you may be going through. And I don’t want to appoint myself the Commander in chief of providing solutions. Three words though, PICK A BOOK, won’t you? (Okay, those were five. Oops)
There’s a door of opportunity that’s slightly opening for me tomorrow. More on that later, but for now I request that you pray for me. (I have a bad track record btw when it comes to such.) May God come through. Amen. Adios!